The Dieting Experience
Changing the conversation about weight loss and dieting
Dr. Laurie Patlin Suttenberg, DSW, LCSW-QS, DCSW
Willpower Conversation
Lily's conversation with her inner voice continues…
You ask a lot of questions, IVy. I really don’t have time for this. I think you must have a lot more free time than I have. I’m really kinda stressed right now. I have four deadlines on projects that are sitting on my desk at work. I have kids I have to get to after school activities when I rush home from work. I have no idea what we’re having for dinner. My husband is out of town for work all week. My mother keeps calling me to help her because her back hasn’t been right since she fell on the ice four months ago. My friend texted me this morning and said she hasn’t stopped crying because she found out her husband is having an affair and she needs me to go out and get drunk with her.
Who??
He didn’t ask you about any of this, did he?
The doctor! Did he ask you to talk about what’s going on in your life? Did you tell him anything about your life?
Are you kidding? I sat in that waiting room for an hour before I was even called back. Then I sat in the examining room and waited for another twenty minutes before he walked in. I caught up on all my work emails and then I even had time to respond to my personal emails. Then, he finally walked in, sat at his computer, didn’t look at me, didn’t even apologize for all the time I’d wasted waiting for him, gave me the blood test results and that was it.
No discussion?
You said you were there! So you know all this! You’re really getting annoying, IVy.
Hey, Lily! I’m your best friend! I’m trying to help! Give me a minute to explain. There are reasons why people gain weight and since we are all different, there are different reasons for everyone. The doctor did not take the time to talk to you about any of YOUR reasons for gaining weight. Handing you a sheet of instructions that is the same sheet of instructions that is handed to every other patient implies that all fat people are the same. NO! It’s the same with all the diet programs out there. One size fits all. If we are all fat for different reasons, how can the solutions all be the same? There is a logic here that is missing.
I knew I should have applied to law school. You make a good prosecutor.
No kidding around right now, Lily. I’m trying to make a point. And it’s really important. So, first you’re told you need to lose weight but there is no discussion about how and why you need to lose weight in the first place. Then you’re handed the same sheet every other patient is given as if what works for one will work for all. And then, the cherry on top (pardon the pun) is his doorknob goodbye, which tells you the only thing you need to make his sheet of instructions work is willpower.
We’re back to this willpower thing again? Do all roads lead to willpower?
You tell me. He certainly implied that willpower is the critical piece of this equation. Actually, he didn’t imply it. He thundered it. So, is it?
Sigh. OK. So if I really think about it, then the message was that what I need to have to stick to the plan, which will lead me to lose weight, which will lead me to better bloodwork and better health, is willpower. He made it sound simple.
Yes. Just like that instruction sheet. Simple. But it’s not so simple. You still haven’t defined willpower, Lily. What does that word mean to you?
Hmmm. Willpower means I have to make up my mind that I’m going to follow the instruction sheet. It also means that every time I think about eating something that is not on the instruction sheet, I’m not going to do it because of willpower. Willpower means I won’t allow myself to be tempted by all the food in the house that everyone else eats. Willpower means I will make sure I don’t walk past the snack machines at work. It also means I will have to bring my own food to work and never go out with my coworkers again. Willpower means I will have to stay completely sober while my friend drinks and cries about her husband who’s having an affair. Willpower means I’m going to be strong and focused and make following this plan a priority. Even when I’m hungry. Even when I’m hormonal. Even when I’m tired. Oh boy. Wow. This is really hard, just talking about this.
Exactly. Having willpower is HARD! Which is why I’m here to talk to you about it. The advice your doctor gave you to lose weight and get healthier was wonderful. If willpower is the key to success and will help you to follow the plan he suggests, then we need to really focus on willpower. Understand it. Work with it. Because the reality is this… You are not going to be able to do all of the things you just mentioned all of the time. You may be able to do some of the things you mentioned. Maybe you will be able to do something one time but not the next time. Do you then not have willpower? Must you have the same level of willpower ALL the time?
You know, I’m not new to this dieting thing.
Hello?? I don’t know this?? Your doctor didn’t ask you about your dieting history either. I know each and every diet you were on - and some of them were downright crazy - but your doctor didn’t ask about that.
I’ve been on more diets than I can count. None of them worked.
Oh, yes they did! Good thing I’m here to tell it like it was. You lost lots of weight on all those diets (even the crazy ones). The problem was that you regained everything you lost. And then some.
Because I have no willpower…
The conversation ceases as Lily is flush with feelings of shame, embarrassment, and despair. Only now does she feel that familiar sense of inadequacy when it comes to food and her weight. She hates that though she has no awareness of feeling this way in any other area of her life, this seems to define her, to herself and others. No matter what she does in her career, in her marriage, in her mothering, and in her friendships, the self label that overshadows all the others is Fat Diet Failure. She begins to cry and feels a sadness and a sense of hopelessness she has felt many times during her life.