The Dieting Experience
Changing the conversation about weight loss and dieting
Dr. Laurie Patlin Suttenberg, DSW, LCSW-QS, DCSW
The Binge
It is midnight. Matt is out of town for the fourth night in a row. Lily is exhausted trying to juggle work, the kids, and the dogs. She feels guilty every time her mother calls. And her girlfriend texts her constantly looking for support in dealing with her husband's infidelity. She should be sleeping. Her day starts so early tomorrow and she has so much to do. She can't fall asleep.
My goodness, Lily.
It's not a good time, IVy. Go away.
I'm not going away, Lily. I'm here to help. I was talking to you earlier. I know you were upset before and I was hoping we could talk about it. You didn't hear me.
I don't feel like talking.
I'm just going to state the obvious, Lily. You've been laying there stuffing your face for the last half hour. You'd rather eat than talk about your feelings?
I said, go away...
I'm not going away. I will stand here and wait. Just know that I am with you.
Shhhhhhhh...
It's 15 minutes later. Lily's stomach is hurting. She ate too much, too fast. This is the first time she has ever done this. She wonders how she let this happen. Lily thinks about what her therapist will say about this at the next session. Wait! She will ask about my inner voice....
IVy?
I'm still here, Lily. I hope you start believing me that I am always with you. And I know we can make things better for you when we team up.
I totally suck. I hate myself. I'm a total failure.
Failure?? Hate yourself?? You suck?? Why are you saying this, Lily?? None of this is true!
Yes, it IS true (sobbing). I have no willpower.
(Groans) Willpower? You have no willpower? Lily, I will agree that something happened here that made you lose focus and ultimately control here tonight. But there is no way I will agree that you have no willpower. Willpower got you out of that first awful marriage you were in. You knew it wasn't going to be easy. That was a hard choice you had to make. He threatened to make your life hell if you left, and he certainly tried to do just that, with all the revolving door court appearances you had to make. It wasn't easy raising a child while living with your parents and having them undermine you when you tried to discipline Sam. And every time Sam came home from a weekend with his dad, he threw tantrums that YOU had to deal with. But you kept going forward, Lily. You had strength and you had willpower and you turned your life around.
That phone call from Sam two hours ago brought all of this back again. I should never be surprised when these things happen, but when he said his dad was refusing to pay his portion of next semester's tuition, it really got to me. And then Sam said his dad also refused to pay for his car insurance. Once again, I'm supposed to pick up the slack. It just stinks and it always has and it always will.
I hear you, Lily. And you have every right to feel frustrated and angry. So I think the bottom line question for you is what you do when you feel this way. And I want you to think about the fact that tonight you stifled your feelings with food, even though I think you stifle your feelings a lot, and that is why you feel sad, hopeless, and so stressed. Think about this, Lily. Are you going to tell Matt about that phone call from Sam? Are you going to tell your mom?
I'm not telling either of them. I don't need Matt reminding me that I was married to a loser before him and I don't want to hear mom telling me all the things I did wrong way back when.
Well, this is all part of the problem, Lily. This isn't the only thing you're not discussing with Matt. You're also not telling him how you feel about all the time he's away. You're not telling him how angry you are about the weekend parties and the fact that he drinks the whole time he's home. You worry he may be having an affair but you carry that inside of you silently. And, bottom line, Lily, is that you're not happy with the state of your marriage and you say NOTHING to Matt.
I could not handle going through another divorce. I don't WANT another divorce.
So, Lily, you think that if you share all these feelings with Matt, it will end your marriage. And if you tell mom how you feel about her, that world will collapse too. Can you think about all the willpower you obviously have in keeping ALL your feelings inside you ALL the time?
What do you mean?
I mean it's time to stop thinking, believing and saying you have no willpower. It's just not true. It serves no purpose. It just makes you feel bad about yourself and that is totally unfair.
Then what do you call all this food all over my bedroom, if it's not all about willpower? I really want to lose weight. I hate being on this medication. Maybe if I was 30 pounds lighter, Matt would find a way to be home more often. Maybe I could go clothes shopping without having a meltdown.
I call it self sabotage. Lily, I can see you are very upset about what happened here tonight. I think you've been self sabotaging for a very long time in holding all your feelings in the way you do.
(Sighs) I hear you, IVy. I do see your point. And I do see you make a lot of sense. I have to tell you, IVy, I thought it was you who suggested eating all this food.
Me?! You thought it was ME?
It sounded like you. You said I deserved a little snack. That it would make me feel better.
Well, you tell me. Did it? Did it make you feel better?
Not at all. It made me hate myself.
So you know now that it wasn't me who told you to raid the kitchen tonight. That was EVy. She is your Enemy Inner Voice. That's who I was talking about when we were driving home from that doctor appointment. She's the one who convinced you it was cool to smoke cigarettes that summer. She's also the one who told you to.....
Enough!! I get it! EVy! So what do we do about her?
Right now, we're going to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. I want you to wake up with a smile. I want you to look in that bathroom mirror tomorrow morning and think how wonderful you are. Tonight was very tough but you can learn a lot about yourself from what happened. I love you, Lily. And I will always be by your side, rooting for you.